Oh Diary! Chapter VIII

Hi there diary. Happy new year. Why do I always find you when I feel like the earth should swallow me whole? You give me comfort. A warm blanket. A hot cup of masala chai. You must have missed me a lot. This is the first chapter of 2023. SZA's Snooze is playing in the background, salty tears down my cheeks and lips. You see diary, I met a boy. Again diary, again. This time it should be different, it has to be. This boy is nice, kind, sweet, a little bit of a funny idiot but he is my idiot. Mine. I love how innocent he is with flirtation, how he cannot comprehend some of my jokes and horrible puns. I'm telling you diary, he is a fantastic guy. But here's a thing diary, there is no such thing as a perfect guy is there? 

Although this man carries various incredible traits, there is this one trait that bothers me. It drives me insane diary you have no idea. Am I too jealous? Am I controlling? I'm lost for words to be honest. He is on good terms with his ex-girlfriend. Why am I using euphemism? His best friend is his ex-girlfriend. Yes, you heard it right. It's torment. Am I not good enough? Why can't I just be important to someone for once? Just once. At least to him. It hurts, it really does. Why can't I be my boyfriend's number 1, go to girl. Why does he go to her? What for? Is she better comfort than me? 

Another thing that bothers me about this relationship is that he seems to care and prioritise her feelings more than mine. It's always "She's busy now" or "I don't know if she would be comfortable with that?". How about me sayang? Don't you care if I am uncomfortable? Don't you care that I'm hurting? I would always have to wait for her approval. Whatever she says is law. If she doesn't want it then I should just deal with it. Why won't he prioritise me? I'm the girlfriend. Is love a mere word that leaves his lips to soothe my burning flame when true love lies within her? 

Now here I am. My heart sinks diary.. I want him, I love him but does he want me or am I just a stepping stool for him to go to her again? After all, she is his soulmate and vice versa. Soulmate diary, soulmate. How can I compete? I'm nothing compared to her. I wonder if she does not feel anything. No guilt, nothing. I would feel so guilty going out with someone else's boyfriend and not even knowing the girlfriend. I would feel wrong. Why you ask? Respect. That's why. I asked him once diary, theoretically if we were to end our relationship would he still be friends with me and he answered yes. I cannot diary, I just can't. If I love you, I love you but if I hate you then I hate you. I cannot continue, knowing I am still deeply in love, wishing that he would have fought for our relationship, for me. I'm not built like that. My soul is made out of a different construct. If it ends, I would be a spirit to him or a dead person. Once loved, soon passed.

I hate that I am built like this sometime. I love deep. I love true. I put all my heart and soul into the person I love. A hopeless romantic. Will I forever feel pain? Won't there be a person that would love me through and through? That would sacrifice and compromise for me? That places me above everything and everyone? Why is it so hard for other people to love me? No matter how much I cut a part of myself and offer it to them, it would always be useless. Reciprocate my love, that's all I ask. Listen to me, take my words into account. Use me as your ear, use me as your shoulder. Tell me how you feel. Wet my shirt with your tears. I want to be his soulmate diary, but why does he not want to be mine? 


-chapter eight, the end- 

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