Oh Diary! Chapter V
Alrighty then, hello and happy 2022. I'm 25 so that's that, fuck it! I'm writing this post with the deep worry of being blind, LITERALLY! I am kind of having a panic attack/anxiety attack at 2.30 in the morning on a Tuesday. Let's unravel this, I know it's deeply confusing...
So we begin with me, having a stye on my right eye last year. It was embarrasing and all but I went to the doctor and he gave me all sorts of creams and pills for me to use and it worked. Thanks Dr Ali! (if and only if my life was this simple) so it partially worked. The stye did went off but it left like a tiny little ball in the inner corner of my eye. No matter how much cream I put in my eye, it didn't leave me. So, that's worrying. Plus, I kind of have a bump on the same eye, it's larger than the leftover stye but it does not affect my vision or eye shape, nothing like that but it is just there. Chilling if you will. If I'm being honest, I am slightly terrified that it could be something bad (growth/tumour -can you get tumour in your eye?). That fucking piece of shit has been on my eye for like I don't know, 3 months or so I'm guessing?? I'm planning to go to Dr Ali for consultation tomorrow and I am FUCKING TERRIFIED (an actual phobia I have, may I add).
If the story ended there then would it be my life? Would my life ever cease to exist peacefully? HELL NO. On my left eye, there's another story. Houston, we have a problem. Last weekend, I went out for the first time in a long time to a relative's wedding. I dressed up real NOICEE and I wore a coloured contact lenses. If I am being totally honest, the lenses had expired, a year expired (yikes!). So, I thought that it would not affect my eye that much so I decided to wear it (for a good 4 hours I think). It was so fucking itchy and me being dumb as Karen Smith in Mean Girls, proceeded to rub my eyes violently to ease the itch. Well, guess what? The eye rubbing gave me a corneal abrasion (I think). After taking off the lenses, my eyes were irritated as fuck. Thinking nothing of it, I went to sleep with my eyes watering excessively. I woke up with eye booger all over and I thought that was the end of it. But I was wrong, oh I was so deadly wrong. My right eye ball was fine, she felt slightly dry but she was alright (I think) but my left eyeball, god my poor left eyeball. It felt like there were a foreign, gritty, grainy object stuck in there. I kept looking in the mirror to see if there was anything but there wasn't. That's when I thought I just have cronically dry eyes so I bought an eye drop. Dripped them in both my eyeballs. Right eyeball, ah good nice. Left eyeball, ah fuck this shit is burning what the fuck. I then come to a realisation that I had more than dried eyeballs, my eyeballs were probably scratched from the aggresive eye rubbing with the expired contacts in. I'm so fucked.
Now that we have caught on with the story, I think I need to see Dr Ali tomorrow but I feel so fucking scared. He would totally scold/ flame tf out of me (which I deserved to be honest) but what if he tells me that I would need to be referred to a hospital? Or even worse, surgery? I can feel an anxiety attack coming from just thinking about surgery. What if there is no more hope for me? What if I turn blind? I cannot turn blind, my eyes are my best features. I have a man jaw and a nose as big as Russia, my eyes are what makes me beautiful (even with these I cannot find someone, imagine me without vision, god). So to wrap it up, I am so so so fucked, like fucked infinity. Okay, have you watched that movie 'Me Before You' with Emilia Clarke and Sam Claflin? If I ever be blind, I am going to be Sam Claflin (with the exception of falling in love, going to see an orchestra and Emilia Clarke). I would just want to die. I totally understand how he feels right now. You dream that your life would be so different but if it turned out like that (in a way, you are limited) I just cannot. My life dream is to be free, and I want to be able to see myself be free, literally.
I'm trying my best to not cry or have a breakdown but we will see, I really do not know what will happen but one thing is for sure, you will know all about it diary. I love you.
-chapter five, the end-
So we begin with me, having a stye on my right eye last year. It was embarrasing and all but I went to the doctor and he gave me all sorts of creams and pills for me to use and it worked. Thanks Dr Ali! (if and only if my life was this simple) so it partially worked. The stye did went off but it left like a tiny little ball in the inner corner of my eye. No matter how much cream I put in my eye, it didn't leave me. So, that's worrying. Plus, I kind of have a bump on the same eye, it's larger than the leftover stye but it does not affect my vision or eye shape, nothing like that but it is just there. Chilling if you will. If I'm being honest, I am slightly terrified that it could be something bad (growth/tumour -can you get tumour in your eye?). That fucking piece of shit has been on my eye for like I don't know, 3 months or so I'm guessing?? I'm planning to go to Dr Ali for consultation tomorrow and I am FUCKING TERRIFIED (an actual phobia I have, may I add).
If the story ended there then would it be my life? Would my life ever cease to exist peacefully? HELL NO. On my left eye, there's another story. Houston, we have a problem. Last weekend, I went out for the first time in a long time to a relative's wedding. I dressed up real NOICEE and I wore a coloured contact lenses. If I am being totally honest, the lenses had expired, a year expired (yikes!). So, I thought that it would not affect my eye that much so I decided to wear it (for a good 4 hours I think). It was so fucking itchy and me being dumb as Karen Smith in Mean Girls, proceeded to rub my eyes violently to ease the itch. Well, guess what? The eye rubbing gave me a corneal abrasion (I think). After taking off the lenses, my eyes were irritated as fuck. Thinking nothing of it, I went to sleep with my eyes watering excessively. I woke up with eye booger all over and I thought that was the end of it. But I was wrong, oh I was so deadly wrong. My right eye ball was fine, she felt slightly dry but she was alright (I think) but my left eyeball, god my poor left eyeball. It felt like there were a foreign, gritty, grainy object stuck in there. I kept looking in the mirror to see if there was anything but there wasn't. That's when I thought I just have cronically dry eyes so I bought an eye drop. Dripped them in both my eyeballs. Right eyeball, ah good nice. Left eyeball, ah fuck this shit is burning what the fuck. I then come to a realisation that I had more than dried eyeballs, my eyeballs were probably scratched from the aggresive eye rubbing with the expired contacts in. I'm so fucked.
Now that we have caught on with the story, I think I need to see Dr Ali tomorrow but I feel so fucking scared. He would totally scold/ flame tf out of me (which I deserved to be honest) but what if he tells me that I would need to be referred to a hospital? Or even worse, surgery? I can feel an anxiety attack coming from just thinking about surgery. What if there is no more hope for me? What if I turn blind? I cannot turn blind, my eyes are my best features. I have a man jaw and a nose as big as Russia, my eyes are what makes me beautiful (even with these I cannot find someone, imagine me without vision, god). So to wrap it up, I am so so so fucked, like fucked infinity. Okay, have you watched that movie 'Me Before You' with Emilia Clarke and Sam Claflin? If I ever be blind, I am going to be Sam Claflin (with the exception of falling in love, going to see an orchestra and Emilia Clarke). I would just want to die. I totally understand how he feels right now. You dream that your life would be so different but if it turned out like that (in a way, you are limited) I just cannot. My life dream is to be free, and I want to be able to see myself be free, literally.
I'm trying my best to not cry or have a breakdown but we will see, I really do not know what will happen but one thing is for sure, you will know all about it diary. I love you.
-chapter five, the end-
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