Oh Diary! Chapter IV
I guess writing really gets the word out. I am currently writing this post with acne cream splotched on my face, my swollen little eyes and the urge of dissapearing. With that said, hello diary. How are you? It's been long since I last poured my heart to you, I wish I did it more often but it is what it is.
I had a breakdown, yes a major meltdown. In the car, alone, at 5 am, driving back home. You see, my sister has been caught in an almost fatal accident last 2 weeks and she; rightfully so, was traumatised by the whole thing that she did not want to drive for the time being. Understandable. I suggested that she get a car service to drive her to and from work, yes it would cost a little more but hey, safety first! Instead of taking my suggestion, she asked me if I wanted to help her. I was stunned to be honest with you. Here's the thing, do I want to help my sister? Yes. Do I have driving anxiety? Also yes. Her workplace is literally 40 minutes away in Damansara and she works at 5 in the morning, fucking 5. I did not want it at first but she was desperate for help so I agreed to it. Bad choice.
Today marks the 8th day of me driving my sister and guess what? I don't think I am capable to do this anymore. I give up. I am so tired, like exhausted. My body clock refuses to sync with that of my sister's. I have to wake up at 4 every morning and send my sister to work but here's the catch, I have insomnia I guess. It's just I haven't be able to sleep properly these 8 days due to multiple reasons, one being that the timing was so off. My body rejects the thought of sleeping at 10pm, 12am even 2am. It only gets wore down at 3 to 4 am, which is the time for me to send my sister. So I had no choice but to man up and hold my sleepy thoughts. I would drive her to work and be back by 5.30am which you might think is good since it is still dark and I would be able to sleep. Wrong! My mind does this thing where it never shuts up even when I am tired and my body is giving up. Plus, I am the type of person that needs to sleep when my body and mind syncs and says "we're ready, put us to sleep." A slight intervention to that cycle would fuck up my sleeping schedule and my mind would automatically be fresh as fuck. I didn't slept for more than 48 hours the other day for fuck's sake. All because of tiny interventions to my sleeping schedule.
Another reason for my incapabality to fall asleep lies on the shoulders of both anxiety and depression. The main culprit is anxiety though, with a dust of stress. I've always suffered from anxiety that I actually cannot recall when it started. Shaky and sweaty palms, stuttered speech, the feeling of your whole entity collapsing. Those were my second skin at this point. Then, you have depression. I think I have had it since I was 16 but who knows. I just feel empty all the fucking time, the older I get I just feel numb. Also, I lost the sense of empathy I once had. I feel like I would blame that on depression. It really kills you from the inside like a tooth cavity. Finally, stress. I am always stressed out. And I am always negative when I am stressed the fuck out. I cannot seem to be positive and 'think about good things'. My body and mind goes into an automatic negative mood and I would not be able to leave until something positive happens. I am superstitious, leave me alone. All these things combined with the lack of sleep is really driving me up the wall. You see, I thought I had it all under control. My mental ilnesses I mean but this experience is really telling me otherwise. I never got around it, I just slept the pain off. Now that my body and mind is deprived of sleep, it puts my illnesses into an overdrive.
This then brings us back to my meltdown I had a while ago. I was so tired and my sister took her own sweet time getting ready. She always does this. She comes down late but still expects me to send her on time, which I do every single time. Today, my mood was off. I have reached my limit. I just want to be on my bed sleeping. I was tired, I really wanted to sleep then and there but I couldn't. So I drove recklessly and fast. The main purpose of today was to show my sister that I would not tolerate this behaviour of getting ready so fucking late but expecting me to drive you on time. But today is not the time for lessons and classes. I just wanted to get it done with and I did. She said "thank you" and I wanted to reply "yeah, whatever" but I hold myself back. On my way back, I just started crying. First, little drops of tears fall down my cheeks. Then, it turned into a waterfall. I just feel so tired and angry, angry more than tired. There's this unresolved anger inside of me that never cools down for some reason. I started talking to myself in the car, "I am fucking tired of feeling angry all the time", "I am so tired and you (my sister) can just take your own sweet time getting ready". My waterfall then turn to those small drops again. I was so disappointed in myself, "I cannot cry, why can't I cry?", "the old me could cry over anything, I am losing my emotions".
My tears dried up after that, I was numb. I just drove with no memory of it now that I think back. I was there physically but mentally, god knows. After a while, the emotions start to ring up in my mind again. The waterfall is open once more! I cried like an idiot after breaking up with her cheating, lazy ass boyfriend. Then there was this urge, this push in my throat. A voice that wants to come out, wants to be seen. It felt like I was about to throw up, vomit but vomit air? I came to the conclusion that I wanted to scream. I tried to scream twice but my body refuses to. My vocal chords were tied for some reason. I started crying more, the fact that I am unable to project whatever emotions I wanted really beats me down. Then, the third urge to scream came. It was bubbling at my mouth already and it came out. This loud, sharp, painful voice came out of my body. I screamed. So loud that I was in shock, I was shocked that I had that much feeling. I was in so much pain. After screaming, my body felt a slight release but it did not prepare me for what's to come. I bawled, like a child when you take away their favourite toy. I was gasping for air and I could barely see the road. Honestly, I wanted to just stop in the middle of that highway and cry but I didn't. I wiped my tears with my hoodie and I just wanted one thing at that point, for all of this to end.
I had never bawled like this for the longest time so I was selfish, I let myself indulge in the pain and empty that broken heart. I couldn't stop crying and after a while I was numb again. I just looked straight on the road. My body just steady but my eyes were doing all the work. Tears fall from both my eyes non stop but I looked like a glass doll, very stiff. I drove into my housing area but I just needed a break, that's all I wanted so I parked in a dark alley and cried one last time. I could feel my breath quivering so I tried to breathe properly. You could hear the shakiness of my breath but with that came an old friend. One that I have not met in ages. Self harming. A sudden thought that I should self harm in order to make things better. I was so broken down but there was an ounce of sanity left in me that told me that if I continued breathing properly, everything would be okay. And it did, okay as in I am not in any form of danger, not mentally stable okay. I gathered whatever energy I had left in my bones and I drove back home. That brings us to the present, me sitting with pimple cream on my face. I still feel numb but mostly sleepy. The crying really did me good, it drained every drop of energy I had but it still hasn't changed my mind. I still don't want to do this, I want to quit. I am so sorry.
-chapter four, the end-
I had a breakdown, yes a major meltdown. In the car, alone, at 5 am, driving back home. You see, my sister has been caught in an almost fatal accident last 2 weeks and she; rightfully so, was traumatised by the whole thing that she did not want to drive for the time being. Understandable. I suggested that she get a car service to drive her to and from work, yes it would cost a little more but hey, safety first! Instead of taking my suggestion, she asked me if I wanted to help her. I was stunned to be honest with you. Here's the thing, do I want to help my sister? Yes. Do I have driving anxiety? Also yes. Her workplace is literally 40 minutes away in Damansara and she works at 5 in the morning, fucking 5. I did not want it at first but she was desperate for help so I agreed to it. Bad choice.
Today marks the 8th day of me driving my sister and guess what? I don't think I am capable to do this anymore. I give up. I am so tired, like exhausted. My body clock refuses to sync with that of my sister's. I have to wake up at 4 every morning and send my sister to work but here's the catch, I have insomnia I guess. It's just I haven't be able to sleep properly these 8 days due to multiple reasons, one being that the timing was so off. My body rejects the thought of sleeping at 10pm, 12am even 2am. It only gets wore down at 3 to 4 am, which is the time for me to send my sister. So I had no choice but to man up and hold my sleepy thoughts. I would drive her to work and be back by 5.30am which you might think is good since it is still dark and I would be able to sleep. Wrong! My mind does this thing where it never shuts up even when I am tired and my body is giving up. Plus, I am the type of person that needs to sleep when my body and mind syncs and says "we're ready, put us to sleep." A slight intervention to that cycle would fuck up my sleeping schedule and my mind would automatically be fresh as fuck. I didn't slept for more than 48 hours the other day for fuck's sake. All because of tiny interventions to my sleeping schedule.
Another reason for my incapabality to fall asleep lies on the shoulders of both anxiety and depression. The main culprit is anxiety though, with a dust of stress. I've always suffered from anxiety that I actually cannot recall when it started. Shaky and sweaty palms, stuttered speech, the feeling of your whole entity collapsing. Those were my second skin at this point. Then, you have depression. I think I have had it since I was 16 but who knows. I just feel empty all the fucking time, the older I get I just feel numb. Also, I lost the sense of empathy I once had. I feel like I would blame that on depression. It really kills you from the inside like a tooth cavity. Finally, stress. I am always stressed out. And I am always negative when I am stressed the fuck out. I cannot seem to be positive and 'think about good things'. My body and mind goes into an automatic negative mood and I would not be able to leave until something positive happens. I am superstitious, leave me alone. All these things combined with the lack of sleep is really driving me up the wall. You see, I thought I had it all under control. My mental ilnesses I mean but this experience is really telling me otherwise. I never got around it, I just slept the pain off. Now that my body and mind is deprived of sleep, it puts my illnesses into an overdrive.
This then brings us back to my meltdown I had a while ago. I was so tired and my sister took her own sweet time getting ready. She always does this. She comes down late but still expects me to send her on time, which I do every single time. Today, my mood was off. I have reached my limit. I just want to be on my bed sleeping. I was tired, I really wanted to sleep then and there but I couldn't. So I drove recklessly and fast. The main purpose of today was to show my sister that I would not tolerate this behaviour of getting ready so fucking late but expecting me to drive you on time. But today is not the time for lessons and classes. I just wanted to get it done with and I did. She said "thank you" and I wanted to reply "yeah, whatever" but I hold myself back. On my way back, I just started crying. First, little drops of tears fall down my cheeks. Then, it turned into a waterfall. I just feel so tired and angry, angry more than tired. There's this unresolved anger inside of me that never cools down for some reason. I started talking to myself in the car, "I am fucking tired of feeling angry all the time", "I am so tired and you (my sister) can just take your own sweet time getting ready". My waterfall then turn to those small drops again. I was so disappointed in myself, "I cannot cry, why can't I cry?", "the old me could cry over anything, I am losing my emotions".
My tears dried up after that, I was numb. I just drove with no memory of it now that I think back. I was there physically but mentally, god knows. After a while, the emotions start to ring up in my mind again. The waterfall is open once more! I cried like an idiot after breaking up with her cheating, lazy ass boyfriend. Then there was this urge, this push in my throat. A voice that wants to come out, wants to be seen. It felt like I was about to throw up, vomit but vomit air? I came to the conclusion that I wanted to scream. I tried to scream twice but my body refuses to. My vocal chords were tied for some reason. I started crying more, the fact that I am unable to project whatever emotions I wanted really beats me down. Then, the third urge to scream came. It was bubbling at my mouth already and it came out. This loud, sharp, painful voice came out of my body. I screamed. So loud that I was in shock, I was shocked that I had that much feeling. I was in so much pain. After screaming, my body felt a slight release but it did not prepare me for what's to come. I bawled, like a child when you take away their favourite toy. I was gasping for air and I could barely see the road. Honestly, I wanted to just stop in the middle of that highway and cry but I didn't. I wiped my tears with my hoodie and I just wanted one thing at that point, for all of this to end.
I had never bawled like this for the longest time so I was selfish, I let myself indulge in the pain and empty that broken heart. I couldn't stop crying and after a while I was numb again. I just looked straight on the road. My body just steady but my eyes were doing all the work. Tears fall from both my eyes non stop but I looked like a glass doll, very stiff. I drove into my housing area but I just needed a break, that's all I wanted so I parked in a dark alley and cried one last time. I could feel my breath quivering so I tried to breathe properly. You could hear the shakiness of my breath but with that came an old friend. One that I have not met in ages. Self harming. A sudden thought that I should self harm in order to make things better. I was so broken down but there was an ounce of sanity left in me that told me that if I continued breathing properly, everything would be okay. And it did, okay as in I am not in any form of danger, not mentally stable okay. I gathered whatever energy I had left in my bones and I drove back home. That brings us to the present, me sitting with pimple cream on my face. I still feel numb but mostly sleepy. The crying really did me good, it drained every drop of energy I had but it still hasn't changed my mind. I still don't want to do this, I want to quit. I am so sorry.
-chapter four, the end-
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