Oh Diary! Chapter III
Good day diary, so chapter three is a chapter that I never knew I would write down in a million years. Why you'd ask? We are talking relationship, heart aches and mental illness. For the longest time of my life, I thought mental illness and love are two foreign things I would never experience ever. I felt sadness before, not a psychopath here. However, I just actually realized that the sadness I was feeling could well as be depression. It is weird saying that I am depressed. When I was sixteen and seventeen, I went through this dark path where I slept a lot and ate excessively until this body entered the obese category. I would like to delete those times if possible but I couldn't. However, I have been feeling the same way that the seventeen year old me is feeling. I could not take even one shower. I go from eating nothing for two days to binge eating for four. I have no motivation or drive to do absolutely anything. I am writing currently because I forced myself to do something productive (lucky you diary). Remember I told that I did not unpack my belongings from the time I got it from university? Yea it is due to depression; also laziness if I am being truthful.
Another 2020 mystery uncovered by me is love and dating. How exciting; initially. I talked to this 21 year old male homo-sapient for about three weeks and we got along just fine. Then, this child decided that it would be a great idea if we were to get into a relationship. According to the experts and love gurus, three weeks is the equivalent to two hours maximum. The thought of getting in a relationship that quick is dangerous and self-combusting. On the other hand, the suspect today has little to no idea of what feelings, love and relationship is all about. I agreed even though in the back of my head I thought that is a little too quick for a relationship. Here is the blueprint of my relationship problem. Number one; I cannot fall in love easily, hence there need to be a lot of time and energy put into the relationship for me to properly indulge in it but I am easily attached to any men who would as little as pay me attention. I blame it on having daddy issues and also the constant need for male validation. When it comes to this relationship, I was not head over heels over this boy but I was willing to try.
I put my heart and soul trying to learn and comprehend his thoughts, likes and behaviorism. I was teaching myself to love and be loved. As mentioned before, initially it worked. We talked and chatted through text, Discord, and through phone calls. It was magical to say the least. The thought that someone out there actually loves you, cares for you and wants to be with you. It was untouchable. Then we decided that we needed to see each other not through Discord but face to face. In the words of the generation that swallowed Tide pods, date. This is my very first date with what I can call my boyfriend. It was too much for my tiny brain to comprehend but I was ready. The date was simple but I enjoyed myself thank you very much. I even had my first kiss and first hand holding and first thigh touching and first neck grabbing and so many other firsts. My first ever hug in front of his favorite side burger stall where we ordered chicken burger with onions and bird eye chili I am guessing, but hell it burnt my tongue.
But all good things must come to an end. My father knew that I went out with a boy and he lost his mind. He then beat me up and my lovely mother said that he was right and I should not have gone out with a boy. The sins of loving someone am I right? For I was a sinner of being attracted to another human being. A boy who prays to a different God than I did. A boy who was a little too skinny to carry this weight. A boy who just wanted good things to happen to me. He was the one boy or man or male who actually wanted to see me smile and be happy. He cared, he loved, he cherished. At that point, my faith in the male species was restored. Not all men want to see you cry and suffer. Some want to see you happy and treat you right but then it hurts when the man who so much promises you all these are the ones who actually breaks your heart. He left me. I have no other way to explain in the degree that happened other than what I had mentioned before.
A day after the incident where my father took his hands upon me, he left me. He told me that I was too good for him, that I was too naive and nice. I was understanding but he was really unhealthy for me. I never thought that the one person I had entrusted my heart told me that it was too much and left me for dirt. Did he not like me? Does he have other girls? Was I not good enough? Am I a burden? Till today, I did not truly understand the reason why; so the only way to solve this crime is through speculations which were made by multiple people who knew that I was entangled with him. Some say that the emotional burden that I put onto him could be the reason he tapped out, others claimed that the lack of sexual offers given to him caused him to leave. But at this point, I could not even shed a tear. I could feel it, but it was of nothingness. It just feels so numb. How could the man who solely promise to protect me left me unguarded?
Another 2020 mystery uncovered by me is love and dating. How exciting; initially. I talked to this 21 year old male homo-sapient for about three weeks and we got along just fine. Then, this child decided that it would be a great idea if we were to get into a relationship. According to the experts and love gurus, three weeks is the equivalent to two hours maximum. The thought of getting in a relationship that quick is dangerous and self-combusting. On the other hand, the suspect today has little to no idea of what feelings, love and relationship is all about. I agreed even though in the back of my head I thought that is a little too quick for a relationship. Here is the blueprint of my relationship problem. Number one; I cannot fall in love easily, hence there need to be a lot of time and energy put into the relationship for me to properly indulge in it but I am easily attached to any men who would as little as pay me attention. I blame it on having daddy issues and also the constant need for male validation. When it comes to this relationship, I was not head over heels over this boy but I was willing to try.
I put my heart and soul trying to learn and comprehend his thoughts, likes and behaviorism. I was teaching myself to love and be loved. As mentioned before, initially it worked. We talked and chatted through text, Discord, and through phone calls. It was magical to say the least. The thought that someone out there actually loves you, cares for you and wants to be with you. It was untouchable. Then we decided that we needed to see each other not through Discord but face to face. In the words of the generation that swallowed Tide pods, date. This is my very first date with what I can call my boyfriend. It was too much for my tiny brain to comprehend but I was ready. The date was simple but I enjoyed myself thank you very much. I even had my first kiss and first hand holding and first thigh touching and first neck grabbing and so many other firsts. My first ever hug in front of his favorite side burger stall where we ordered chicken burger with onions and bird eye chili I am guessing, but hell it burnt my tongue.
But all good things must come to an end. My father knew that I went out with a boy and he lost his mind. He then beat me up and my lovely mother said that he was right and I should not have gone out with a boy. The sins of loving someone am I right? For I was a sinner of being attracted to another human being. A boy who prays to a different God than I did. A boy who was a little too skinny to carry this weight. A boy who just wanted good things to happen to me. He was the one boy or man or male who actually wanted to see me smile and be happy. He cared, he loved, he cherished. At that point, my faith in the male species was restored. Not all men want to see you cry and suffer. Some want to see you happy and treat you right but then it hurts when the man who so much promises you all these are the ones who actually breaks your heart. He left me. I have no other way to explain in the degree that happened other than what I had mentioned before.
A day after the incident where my father took his hands upon me, he left me. He told me that I was too good for him, that I was too naive and nice. I was understanding but he was really unhealthy for me. I never thought that the one person I had entrusted my heart told me that it was too much and left me for dirt. Did he not like me? Does he have other girls? Was I not good enough? Am I a burden? Till today, I did not truly understand the reason why; so the only way to solve this crime is through speculations which were made by multiple people who knew that I was entangled with him. Some say that the emotional burden that I put onto him could be the reason he tapped out, others claimed that the lack of sexual offers given to him caused him to leave. But at this point, I could not even shed a tear. I could feel it, but it was of nothingness. It just feels so numb. How could the man who solely promise to protect me left me unguarded?
-chapter three, the end-
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